The Library: Revised and Condensed
The male ELEPHANT locks in on a female, gets on his knees, and proceeds to beg her for sex until she gives in.
The male DOLPHIN screws anything and everything in sight—from fish to water—in hopes of somehow finding his penis’s way into a female dolphin.
PANDAS won’t so much as touch each other until they’ve read an instruction manual.
TURTLES are lightning fast in bed, and do the entire deed (including post intercourse cuddling) 20 times in one hour. However, their courtships often last upwards of ten years, and require couples to watch movies that neither the male nor the female wants to see.
EMPEROR PENGUINS get busy from 12:00 to 12:02 AM each Valentine’s Day, and spend the rest of the year masturbating.
Female PORCUPINES are seldom in the mood—but when they want it, they want the works, and will go so far as to toss aside a male lover for a new one as soon as he shows any sign of tiring. Interestingly enough, porcupine courtships are almost identical to those of humans: the male urinates on the female, and the female uses the information to make her decision.
Male BOWERBIRDS will actually build a BMW out of twigs and leaves just to attract a female.
The male ARGENTINE LAKE DUCK uses his unusually long penis to perform rope tricks in front of his desired female.
Immediately after sexual intercourse, the female PRAYING MANTIS glues herself to the male and attempts to nag him to death.
The male RIGHT WHALE spends about three hours getting his eighty ton body in position for sex—and he usually ends up ejaculating his 200 gallons before making it anywhere even remotely close to a vagina.
Male and female GIRAFFES demand oral sex from their partners on a regular basis, notwithstanding the physical difficulties and resulting neck pain.
The 36 YEAR OLD SINGLE MALE ACCOUNTANT dresses up his mate in an Uncle Sam outfit and shouts out tax codes before each thrust.
The 42 YEAR OLD MARRIED JEWISH FEMALE has a headache tonight.
The 21 YEAR OLD MARRIED JEWISH FEMALE has a headache every other night.
The 42 YEAR OLD MARRIED MALE FOOTBALL FAN will not have sex the day before a big game. Why? Because he wants to be at his absolute best when he sits in front of the TV drinking bear and eating corn chips.
The 40 YEAR OLD JAPANESE MAN will screw you four times in the time it takes an American to screw you once—and he’ll throw in an eight year warranty.
The 25 YEAR OLD FEMALE VIDEO GAME ADDICT looks for mates with fast, flexible thumbs.
The 42 YEAR OLD MALE DENTIST wants everything but oral.
The 35 YEAR OLD MALE AGENT wants 5% of whatever his clients screw.
The 18 YEAR OLD MALE will screw anything that remotely resembles a hole.
The 20 YEAR OLD FEMALE COLLEGE STUDENT is two drinks away from taking off her top.
The 48 YEAR OLD MALE NETWORK TV EXECUTIVE will only try a new move immediately after a proven hit.
The 24 YEAR OLD FEMALE GOLD DIGGER uses her sense of smell to determine the ratio of hundreds to non-hundreds in a man’s wallet.
The 42 YEAR OLD MALE HOSTAGE NEGOTIATOR will give you four compliments for the release of one breast.
The 37 YEAR OLD MALE OIL PROSPECTOR will bounce around from woman to woman, getting every ounce of sex he can from each one.
The CONFUSED 28 YEAR OLD FEMALE will wear just about the sluttiest looking outfit on the planet, but get mad at anyone who so much as glances at what she’s going out of her way to show.