Confucius said, “Those who don’t think and those who only think both stink.”
Confucius said, “An incomplete man is not content with being a complete man. Which explains why so many men are incomplete. … Does that make any sense? I hope so.”
Confucius said, “Men care about being worth knowing; assholes care about being known. Men care about being fit for a position; assholes care about having a position. Men care about virtue; assholes care about land. Men care about fairness; assholes care about personal exemptions. I’ve seen plenty of assholes—but I haven’t seen many men.”
Confucius said, “An asshole takes one view; a man takes others, too.”
Confucius said, “The asshole has no principles; the deluded man is blinded by narrow ones.”
Confucius said, “Both men and assholes love and hate. What? Did you expect me to say something like ‘love everyone?’ I hate that philosophy.”
Confucius said, “From men, I learn to be a man. From assholes, I also learn to be a man.”
Confucius said, “A piano with 81 identical keys lacks harmony; a world of nothing but conformists lacks harmony; a world of nothing but pianos lacks everything but pianos.”
Confucius said, “Surrounded by right, you can reach a great height. Surrounded by pee, how great can you be?”
Confucius said, “Speaking of high subjects to low men is like feeding a dead man lo mein.”
Confucius said, “When in Rome, act like a Confucian—but don’t tell the Romans to go fuck themselves.”
Confucius said, “Though even Brad Pitt’s girlfriend can be stolen, there is not a single individual who’s free will can be stolen.”
Confucius said, “The practice of complete manliness comes from a person himself, and not from Confucius. Unless of course, you are Confucius. Which is pretty unlikely considering how I’m Confucius.”
Confucius said, “The way of a complete man will rub off on others, and cause an explosion throughout the land.”
Confucius said, “If the captain steers north, his seamen will follow.”
Tzu Kung said, “In the Odes, it says: ‘Cleaning up after a powerful jerk. Come over here, oh what messy work.’ Does that refer to the Tyrants Nixon and Carter?”
Confucius said, “That pretty much refers to every politician in human history.”
Governor Ai said, “How should I run my province?”
Confucius said, “Hire and promote the upright, fire and demote crooked, put the right person in the right position, don’t expect one person to be fit for everything, ask advice from a variety of people who think for themselves, and don’t forget to pick up your sister from the mall.”
Confucius said, “Those who forget about next month will be screwed by next week.”