March 27, 2510
A much-awaited comeback by our Lord and Savior isn’t quite having its intended effect.
Not long after returning to earth and attempting to bring back what he calls “Real Christianity,” religious leader and God Jesus Christ is finding very few converts to his new reform movement.
“The plan seemed to make sense at the time,” remarked Jesus. “Come back, prove that you’re God, clear up some misunderstandings, and maybe add a new New Testament. But it’s starting to seem like old times all over again.”
A recent poll funded by Jesus himself seems to be pointing towards a second Last Supper, as a whopping 96% of the population believes Jesus is God, and 94% are not particularly interested in following his teachings.
“Christianity was pretty cool before Jesus came back,” remarked Christian unconvert Canaanite Baal, formerly known as Paul Cross. “I mean, it didn’t take itself so seriously, and it managed to make religion fun and entertaining. But Jesus is just plain out of control. First he got rid of Christmas. And now he’s trying to ban Mixed Martial Arts.
Another former Christian remarked, “Jesus is against capitalism, free speech, and family—and as far as I’m concerned, that means he’s against America. And if you’re against America, you’re against God—even if you happen to be God.”
As for atheists, they seem to be doubling down on atheism after the Second Coming. "I don’t care what he says—he’s not God, " said one atheist. "Don’t get me wrong. His second coming was unlikely. But by no means does that prove it was an actual act of God. I mean, if Nature can add energy to old soup and create life, it can also bring back a 2500 year old dead man who probably never even existed in the first place.”
Even Father Paul Mark Nazarene, one of the few people who has supported Jesus since his return to earth, has been critical of some of his beliefs:
“I think he’s taking the Bible way too literally. I mean, he really wants people to give up their possessions. And he actually had me walk two miles with some guy the other day.”
The Second Coming has also caused church attendance to plummet, and forced clergy members to abandon their core focus.
“Jesus wants to bring an end to a $300 zillion a year industry,” said Deacon James Johnson of the First Tammy Faye Pentecostal Church. “I mean, he’s telling everyone to go home and pray in closets. But as God as my witness, the Church will survive—with or without Jesus.”
The Catholic Church is working out the details of the soon to be released New and Improved New Testament, which—according to rumors—will be centered around 20th-21st century country music star Kenny Rogers.
Pope John Paul John Paul XXVII stated,“We’ve been doing this for 2500 years—we know exactly what it takes to run a successful religion. Jesus might be an expert when it comes to God, but he really doesn’t know the first thing about this industry.”
“I figured my comeback would cost us a few members,” Jesus remarked, “but I was hoping we’d gain a few hundred billion more. I can’t say I’m entirely surprised, though. Ezekiel, Isaiah, and Jeremiah said the Son of Man would be rejected and persecuted.”