The Universes a Million Years from Today

Everyone dies

An argument about paper clips somehow led to an interuniversal war that destroyed everything (other than time and space).

Oh well—it was bound to happen at some point.

Jesus comes back, decides not to resurrect anyone

“Honest to God,” he remarked, “I never liked mankind to begin with.”

God comments on Interuniversal War I

“I blame the Jews.”

Satan comments on Hell overcrowding

“Maybe Heaven should loosen its standards.”

The Simpsons airs its 20 millionth episode

No one was available for comment.

Trading halted on NONNYSE

No one was available for comment.

No one was available for comment

No one was available for comment.

Stocks delisted

473,502 stocks were delisted from the New Old New New York Stock Exchange, including Everlast, Always, Eternally Yours, Forever and Ever, and ‘Til the End of Time.

Brett Favre confirms comeback rumors

“I don’t give a fuck if there’s no planet,” he remarked. “I still have plenty of football left in me.”

Insurance companies to pay 6 infinitidollars in claims

“This just isn’t our day,” said an industry spokesman.