FamoUS People (Most of Whom You Probably Hate)

Brad and Julia Break-Up… Get Back Together… Break-Up… Get Back Together… and Then Break Up Again

Oh—wait. They just got back together… no, wait. They just broke… Uh… wait. It looks like they’re smiling at each other. …. Wait. She looks upset. … She just slapped him! … Believe it or not, they’re kissing now. … Holy shit! They’re having sex. I better get out my camera phone.

How Kirstie Highway Lost Fifty Pounds

She stopped eating.

How Constellation Jones Lost Fifty Pounds

Gastric bypass surgery

How So-and-So Lost Fifty Pounds

She snorted coke.

Is Britney Spears Pregnant?

No.

Angelina Jolie

No story. We just felt like printing her name.

Paris Hilton Gets a Dog

And if you’re reading this, you need to get a life.

Ben and Gwen Get Married

I give it six weeks.

Jen and Ken Get Divorced

Big fucking surprise!

Rich, Good Looking Celebrity Complains About Life

If he switched places with me, he’d fucking kill himself.